Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We were destined to go to rehab together
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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