im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize