Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
