So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
