Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
