you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
