i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Ladies don't puke and tell
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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