Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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