two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
