I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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