would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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