9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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