I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
