At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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