Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
