i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
