i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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