I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
