I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
