Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
