JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
