hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
