I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
