my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We need a shit load of segways right now
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
