He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
