I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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