dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
