Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
