Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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