You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
