imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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