I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
