I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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