i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
