Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
