True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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