My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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