even my farts smell like vagina
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
