shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
