i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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