I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
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