mondays should just be called national damage control day
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
