I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
