Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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