got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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