some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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