I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
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Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
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For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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