I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
