I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
