Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
