Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
