I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
