I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We are all done wearing pants today
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
